triphunter.com

Dear Susan,

Yesterday I received an email from you announcing that GM had repaid all $8.1 billion of its government loans five years ahead of schedule. I did pause for a second after reading your nice note to acknowledge to myself that I was just spammed by GM, since I know that I have never given you permission to contact me. But, understanding the magnitude of your announcement, I won’t make a big deal out of it.

What occurred to me next was that I, like the fabled Rumpelstiltskin must have fallen asleep for close to 100 years, and during my slumber, GM, through hard work and really incredible marketing, started designing, building and selling the absolute best cars in the world. So many had they sold, in fact, that they had bought themselves free and clear of government ownership. Before I rushed out to buy a GM car for myself, I had some investigating to do.

Thankfully, while I rumpelstiltskined, the internet had not advanced at all, so I jumped online and googled GM to see just how they had turned themselves around. I was really excited, and then I got really confused.

The first article I read was about Senator Chuck Grassley, who claimed that GM had not payed back the loan with money it had earned selling hundreds of millions of cars and trucks, but rather had payed it back using more government loaned money.

“The bottom line seems to be that the TARP loans were ‘repaid’ with other TARP funds in a Treasury escrow account. The TARP loans were not repaid from money GM is earning selling cars, as GM and the administration have claimed in their speeches, press releases and television commercials,” he wrote.

Since all politicians are liars, I decided to dismiss his rantings as just another trick to get re-elected. My search to uncover GM’s success story continued.

My next bit of sleuthing turned up some promising news. Year over year sales at Cadillac were up over 76%, and sales at Buick, Chevy and GMC were up almost 40%. But what came next was a bit surprising: In the first quarter of 2010, GM lost $4.3 billion! And four out of the top 10 worst cars and trucks on the road as rated by Consumer Reports came from GM.

Before I went any farther in my investigation, I had to find out what year it was, and to my amazement, it wasn’t 2110. I hadn’t slept for 100 years after all. I’d only slept for a few hours.  It was Monday morning, April 26th, 2010.  The truth slowly dawned on me. GM hadn’t changed at all. They still think that the American people aren’t so bright, and no matter how many Cadillacs they sold, it wasn’t enough to make a profit, and it certainly wasn’t enough to repay $8.1 billion in loans. 

I then stumbled across a new ad in which CEO Ed Whitacre says  “our goal is to exceed every expectation you’ve set for us”. I don’t remember when we set dishonesty, poor products and spamming as GM’s goals. Maybe I was asleep.